Recently I was on Instagram and saw a fabulous comic. It was about a husband who, whilst doing the dishes, accidentally broke a glass. He put the glass on the bench to throw away after he finished the dishes. Only problem, after he was done, the glass remained on the bench. According to this retell, it remained on the bench for almost a month because his wife was determined that he would be the one to throw out the broken glass.
As time passed, she got creative, leaving notes to get her husband’s attention. To remind him to throw out the glass. When that didn’t work, she decorated the glass. This continued to a point where her husband and child were so invested in what was going to happen next that throwing out the glass was no longer an option.
As I chuckled reading this, I could feel the wife’s frustration. Why? Because I too have been in this situation. At home, at work, with my friends, with my family.
I have waited patiently for the other person to pick up the cues and take action.
& like this wife, with ever-growing frustration and irritation, never saw that outcome.
Early on in our relationship, Paul said to me ‘I can’t read your mind; you have to tell me’. But having been conditioned to think it’s rude to ask for what you want directly, I waited for him to sense my frustration or realise that he needed to do something. I learned quickly that was not going to happen.
I learned to stand up, ask directly for what I wanted or needed. To express how I was feeling and why.
By doing so, I got my needs met. I got my expectations met.
Do I love having to be that direct? That obvious? Absolutely not. But it works every.single.time.
Over the years I have learned to do this at work, with my friends, with my family.
Why?
Because being subtle doesn’t work. It puts all the onus on the other person. It’s completely reliant on the other person being aware of what you need, want, or expect. It puts the responsibility on them to read the cues and then to deliver the outcome you want. But as we know, people aren’t thinking about you. They are in their heads thinking about themselves. Not because they are selfish, but because they, like you, are looking at the world from their perspectives. Their needs and wants.
When I showed the comic to Paul he said ‘Yeah, subtly doesn’t work’.
So next time you are in a situation where you are feeling frustrated by someone else’s behaviour don’t be subtle.
Be direct.
You can do this kindly by your choice of words, your tone, and how you deliver the message. But be direct. Don’t be coy. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t say just enough, hoping that they will get the point.
Be direct.
Going back to the comic, if I was in that situation, after all the dishes were done, I would say, “Don’t forget the broken glass.” Short. Simple. No judgment in my tone. A statement, not a request.
