Boundaries are not only hard to set but we often get confused about roles and responsibilities.
& we are easily frustrated when we create a boundary but it’s quickly broken.
That’s why I found this trick so useful.
I have TikTok to thank for it.
I came across a fantastic video that spoke about the difference between a request and a boundary.
Because often, we think we are setting a boundary but in reality, we are making a request of someone.
A perfect example in my life (and perhaps one you can relate to) is when I ask my mum to not comment on my body or weight. I say “Mum, from now on please don’t comment on how I look or if you think I have gained or lost weight”.
And my mum would agree.
& then either soon afterwards or when I see her next, she will comment.
Now here’s the thing that I learnt in this video.
A request is when you need the other person to do something. In this case, it is my mother not commenting.
A boundary is when I don’t need her to do anything, I do all the heavy lifting.
So when she comments, I am responsible for shutting it down. This means I need to say “Mum, remember I said that from now on, you can’t comment on how I look. So let’s talk about something else?”
Now if she continues to want to discuss how I look, I can then try and stop her, shut down the conversation or walk away. They are all my choices and they require nothing from her.
However, if I expect my mother to take responsibility, I haven’t set a boundary, I’ve made a request and I am hoping that she will pull through. This leaves a lot of power in her hands and leaves me on edge, not knowing how it will go.
It’s not ideal.
It creates a lot of worry and anxiety.
It leaves me on guard.
& all that could be avoided if I turned the tables, took on the responsibility and made it a boundary.
So next time, you are setting a boundary, make sure it’s not a request.
You’ll know because you will be the one in control.
No guesswork.
No hoping.
Just ease.
